eternal beginnings

This is probably the fifth or sixth ‘blog’ I have attempted to write and update on a regular basis, yet so far to no avail. The fact it is around the five month mark since I last posted anything says it all really. It also sums up certain aspects of my life. The primary focus of this blog, was ironically to keep me focused, yet well…i’m not going to dwell, but once again the idiosyncratic monotony of life got in the way and once again my hopes, ideals and dreams got somewhat swept aside. All those projects I started? Well, they lost memento when finances halted and time was eaten up. Halted, yet not forgotten. After Around six months of enthusiastic job searching, attempting to embark on a career that I truly desired I once again have found myself being forced to ‘settle’. The direness increasing when the career i’m forced to settle in is one that steals 16 hours a day, 7 days a week and brings little with it apart from exasperation and despair. After flitting for the past five months, last week I started a permanent new, (old) job role. By day 2 I was online and searching for a get out. The get out is this. Writing. That’s where my heart lies, and that is why my dream career lies. In writing. Not where I am now. This is why I keep starting, restarting and abandoning various blogs, they are all an attempt to forge some kind of career. Yes, you’re write I have the dreams of a fourteen year old. I just wish when I was fourteen I had the platform that the kids have now, even when I was 21 it would have been great. However now, well let’s be honest, every motherfucker out there is sharing the intricacies of their soul through social media, hoping it will change their lives. 

 

I read a plethora of blogs, and the woman that always invigorates me is French Illustrator, Photographer, Writer Garance Dore. I’ve been minorly obsessed with her pieces for years; there is a simple freshness, I guess almost ‘frenchness’ about the ease and relaxed manner in which she writes and the way she chronicles her life on the page, despite the fact I am reading the translated words. A couple of months back she wrote a column which resonated more than most. It left me in deep rooted contemplation, and it still does. It is what urges me to write today. It was an acceptance that, for Yoga, she was an eternal beginner. And more importantly that she always would be. But, that’s okay. 

 

The essence of this article, of starting new things repeatedly and being a beginner was OK. It was accepted sums up my life. I am constantly starting a fresh. Trying to start a fresh that is. Trying to develop myself and then getting caught out due to time or finance or simply loosing enthusiasm and motivation. But I accept that. It is something that has followed me and undoubtedly links to the fact that I am the most uncompetitive person you will ever meet. I get good at things, yes. That is something I am not denying. However I rarely (never) get to great, exceptional, amazing. There just seems to be a barrier. 

 

When i was a child, I tried my hand at many things – dancing, the recorder, horse riding, learning french, learning spanish, netball, embroidery, photography, drawing, swimming, diving (as opposed to simply swimming), clarinet, piano and I kept on starting new things as I grew older – photography (again), pilates, going to the gym, running, learning japanese, learning Korean, skiing, snowboarding, ice skating, yoga, yoga again, learning french (again) styling, attempting to write professionally in any way… and most of these things got somewhere, however I let them go. For some reason. Why? Because the monotony of life got in the way. Things happened that stopped me and now, I am at an age where I am starting to regret. Yet, I believe, have enough of my life ahead of me to still make the changes that I wish. 

 

Again.

 

You see making changes, major life changes, is something I am really good at. Abandoning jobs on a whim and leaving the country is something I would win a gold medal at if it was an Olympic Sport. I seem to have a two year rule in careers. Two years and then BOOM. I have to get out. To begin something new. Somehow. I hoped that my little trip to India last year would help in giving me breathing space to come back to rejoin the career I had started a mere two years previously. But it hadn’t. It had, it hadn’t? Well, it hasn’t made me love it, but it has kept me from destitution. Just. So, i’m back to the drawing board of life. The frustrating place, and India made me realise this, that I know exactly what I want and where I want to be, I just need to think tactically about how to get there, instead of just going for it on a whim. Once again watch this space. Oh, and expect this space to become, I guess, some kind of disorganised platform of Ideas – with limited structure or organisation. Just a smattering of stuff, as I attempt to begin. Again. 

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