Back in June I wrote this post. And at the end I summed up my life as follows:
‘It’s exciting, it’s still scary and still could be potentially and imminently horrendous but it’s definitely right’
Due to my shock, devastation, and almost anger that horrendous bit I’ve dreaded seems to be happening. It’s bad because I’ve been through this twice now, it will be the third year where my new year is spent fraught with worry, imminent homelessness and a feeling of such sheer despair and I guess embarrassment that I struggle to think just how I will get through. Every ounce of energy I have has been put into the past twelve months. And now I feel like that tightrope i’ve been balancing on? I’m clinging to with the tips of my nails and even if I get back to balancing mode then the view is going to be irrevocably changed.
Maybe I should have been less positive, but on less of a brave face tried not to smile it out as much but I have done because I have to. But the migraines have returned, my stomach has flared up, the vommitting is underway as is the insomnia and my heart rate is so fast its beginning to scare me. When I speak? All that comes out are tears.
The next months have quickly taken on a new perspective, the things i’ve planned in a naive sense of calm and hope have in many ways taken on a sense of bitterness; what’s worse is the time of year.
But is it still ‘right’? To be honest, I’m not even sure of that anymore.