even if you are dying of fear, even if you are sorry later, because whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life

Typewriter  v3 by Carine Felgueiras via flickr

I am so bored. So unbelievably bored I feel like I might eat my own arms.  My exhaustion levels are peaking through total lack of brain stimulation. I have never been in a position where in work I am not moving forward or learning and sadly, that’s where I have been for the past year.

A day job is fine when you think you have a goal or the opportunity to grow, but when there is no space for growth and what you got is what you got, it starts to loose it’s point. How can you pull strength to go into work and do a job that doesn’t lead anywhere? Well at the moment I can give you 2 reasons; food and shelter.

In my case, with brain stimulation in my day to day life being absent, I am doing my best to seek it out when I am not at work, and when I am not so exhausted with boredom I can actually stay awake. Yet the projects I am coming up with are all reliant on a sense of self-confidence that is being sapped from me on an hourly basis and I am becoming one of those people I promised myself I never would. Those people that just do something ‘because’.

So I’ve gone back to the drawing bored and struggled through the vague outline of a 2.5-3 years plan, which despite being now the wrong side of 30, doesn’t include several ‘key’ points that I had hoped it would. It does however include projects that make me excited; that will broaden my knowledge, skill set and of course, pique my interest. Although I am not really sure how much some of them will help with the food and shelter thing.

The key ‘pillars’ of my plan are writing, research and travel. Although despite the fact that these 3 could mesh beautifully together; they don’t really.

Whilst I am comparatively not a highly intelligent person, my IQ is probably rather average, I do love to learn. Ridiculously so. This factor, combines past experience tells me I need to be able to make measurable progress in my learning in order to be satisfied. Hence the research nature of the plans.

I want to do an MRES in English. How I plan to pay for this I am unsure, you can get funding but as far as I can gather that funding is for the next step, PHD step So despite the ideas, the pages of plans and notes I have scrawled together, the midnight hours spent collating information on Google scholar, I have no idea if I will ever be able to ACTUALLY complete this. It’s given me a sense of inspiration, a project, which without accurate guidance I feel like I could just flounder at; plus ‘I’m in education’ sounds more, well sane then saying ‘I quit my job to write a research essay, for kicks.

However the more I read in fact everything I read, currently appears to be signposting me in this direction. I’m considering crowdfunding, or maybe stripping (both are a joke) I’m considering crossing my fingers that i’ll receive an inheritance sum from a long lost family member but I think in my case there is greater chance of getting a free trip to Mars and making it back in one piece.

The one benefit of this idea is the magnitude of the project. It’s actually taken two years of thinking for me to pin down a working title/focus and to realise the MRES path appears to be more suited than the MA path. And the amount of reading needed is not something I would be able to complete within a short space of time delegated, so I can read, Now. And I have been. However what is lacking is the research methodology and advice from someone who knows what I’m doing. That is after all what the 5k in tuition needed plus living expenses pays for right? The intellect of someone more intellectual to constantly poke you in the right direction?

But going back to the magnitude of the project. I’ve already significantly condensed my initial ideas so much so that I feel I have little left to work with. (I really still probably have too much) However after that first 2am meeting with Google scholar my eyes and ears have pricked open to theory. Today I worked an event and picked up the names of around 7 academics that will be undeniably useful to the project.

So I guess I still keep reading. And hope the rest will fall into place… until then I’m keeping relatively schtmm and forging ahead; probably in the wrong direction but you never know. Atleast it is keeping my brain cells awake.

words Gabriel Garcia Marques, love in the time of cholera

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