It’s not all about the £££, yet life kind of is. It’s very easy to worry about money when you have it, yet when you don’t it’s constant anxiety. I am terrible with my own money. Significantly better with other peoples. I am constantly trying to come up with new ways to make myself frugal, to save, to not be so attracted to material items such as this circle print jumpsuit, these shoes, these glittery shoes or this thigh length quilted denim jacket. It’s hard, because, to be fair both the shoes and the jacket would actually be practical purchases after i kon-mari’d and stuffocated all my winter clothes out of my wardobe back in september where the only things I could think about were 30 plus temperatures and breathing. I’m now solely reliant on a pair of Korean army boots or battered converse, neither of which i can really wear to any potentially job interviews so my feet are ultimately going to freeze, and the chances are i’ll be standing outside a hopefully glamorous job, in a glamorous office quickly stuffing my Mum’s fleece jacket into my bag because all my coats require weather of atleast 20 degrees or more.
I am also incredibly good at persuading myself I need to spend money. I need new shoes, as opposed to just wanting. I guess the issue is, alot of the time I do get to the point where I do actually need the stuff and then I can’t afford it because I woke up too late to make lunch and bought sushi or my supermarket anxiety has kicked in again and Benito’s hat is just right there. Spending time in India both helps and doesn’t help the situation. India helps you to understand the possibility of living with simply with less, especially if like me you spend time in an ashram. Although the ashram had a second hand store and I ended up with three seasons of Girls for 90p. In fairness the carrying thing helps more, but then you discover the postal system and buying Levi jeans for £11 gets alot more attractive (I am regretting not doing this)
I mean, i had to right?
If you know me, you know my varied job history, and to be fair you can see a lot of it just by clicking backwards through this blog. My CV is an absolute nightmare of jobs i’ve done for enjoyment and jobs i’ve done for money. None of which I regret doing but now, well i need to work and it’s hard to figure out how I persuade myself into the job I want. I say the job, because I’ve researched and reflected and thought and wondered and made spider diagrams and lists and there is the dream career that is still ticking away with its reminders, popping into my head at times when i ask, can i really? And do you know what? This time is different.
Partly, because the internet sites I look at actually have jobs I want. Really really want. And I just need to not think about the fact my dreamy jobs will involve me being broke, I need to think not about the money, because it isn’t all about the money, it never is. It’s about happiness and liking life and the little things and yes i need a roof over my head and travel costs and a working phone and shoes and a coat and maybe a circle print jumpsuit and maybe an online dating subscription because i wont be able to actually afford to get drunk enough to rely on my natural way of meeting men (drunk in bars) but the thing is, my days wont be filled with self loathing and frustration, right?
Also I’ve given myself time. Time not to rush, time to try really hard to be patient and try and spend a day on an application and somehow convince people in HR that I would be brilliant and amazing and I am the right person for the job. Try and persuade them i’m better than those a decade younger than me for all the right, life experience reasons, that i’m not going to get bored because it’s what i want to do and that i will probably take their tiny tiny salary because I really want the job so who cares what i used to earn, who cares what my salary expectations are? I’m not thinking about the salary, i’m thinking about the job, i’m thinking of day to day and of working hard and trusting that it will all work out beautifully. I’ve surrendered to the salary, i’m applying with love so fingers crossed those two will combine in a way that works.